32 Weeks Pregnant

I am 32 weeks pregnant with my second daughter, Vivian. My first baby is nearly 22 months old and the light of my life. I am engaged to the man I have loved since I was in my teens. If you had asked the Patty at 18 if this would ever be a possibility, I would have said, hopefully. If you had asked the Patty at 23 the same thing I would have said, absolutely not. Pat and I have been up and down and really down before we became a couple. I attribute it to meeting too young. Still wanting to explore the possibilities out there while keeping each other close. It was just a recipe for disaster. As hard as it all seemed at the time, we wouldn't be where we are today without all of that chaos and heartache. And now we have this incredible little being named Norah. She cracks me up everyday. She is seriously entertaining. She loves following me around everywhere. Loves to sweep with the big broom even though we bought her her own tiny broom. She loves sleeping with Pat and I and usually wakes up laughing, which sounds kind of creepy but it makes me wake up laughing too. When we leave the bedroom, she has to take a pillow or blanket with her. If I try and make her skip this step she gets just as frustrated with me as I am with her and will protest by sitting on the floor until I give in. She loves the cartoon, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with those songs stuck in my head. When she watches them, she has this small smile on her face the entire time. She loves apples but refuses to eat them when they are cut up. She wants to dig into the entire thing, core and all. She loves to laugh and be silly. Today she kept turning in circles to become dizzy and unstable. Pat and I just watched laughing. She kind of stumbled into a laundry basket full of clothes and got right back up and continued. She brings so much joy to our lives. And now we have another on the way. I feel a bit nervous. For many reasons. Its getting to be the end of the pregnancy and Im wondering if I'll experience the same complications I had with Norah. Thats what made me get up from bed tonight. I felt itchy. I don't know if its because Im actually itchy or if its that Im thinking about becoming itchy with this pregnancy thats making me itchy. Just writing that made me more itchy. I read that I have a 60-90% chance of getting cholestasis again and it freaked me out. That was a horrible experience and I can't imagine getting it again while caring for my toddler. The Heelp syndrome is another monster entirely too. I just want to bring Vivian into this world peacefully. I pray she is healthy. Im anxious to meet her and watch her grow. I wonder if she will look and act like Norah. Im wondering how it will be to care for two babies. But I am ready to get the show on the road.

Fast Forward

Ok, So I fell off the writing wagon. That's ok. The most important thing is that I came back. My daughter turns 1 year in just about 3 weeks. Trip the fuck out :) I'm going to write as if nobody reads this because I'm pretty sure nobody does, and that is perfectly fine with me. Norah. She is perfect. She is full of life. She started growling about 2 weeks ago. Yes, growling. I have no idea where she picked it up, but it reminds me of the stories my mother told me of me growling as a baby and her fear that I had been possessed by a.....spirit. Perhaps she inherited the growling trait from me? She loves when I chew food up for her. This little detail disgusts some people. I don't blame them. However, I have a baby to feed so now I am forced to chew food up for her very discreetly. One day, when I tell her about this little detail, I will be just as embarrassed about it as her. Norah, you made me do this. Your little cries and pleading look in your eyes for my chewed food makes me a sucker. Norah has not started to walk yet. It's right around the corner. She crawls. She Says, "Dada" but she doesn't associate it with pat. Its really the only sound she has formed. She hates sleeping in her crib by herself, but we are forcing her to do it for our own sanity and productivity. I'll post more of the details daily. This is a start though, right?

Well, hello there..

It's been quite some time since I've checked in. I tend to do this often with journal writing. Then I read back on some of my entries and in an instant I am transported to that time and place in my life and it's...... just really nice and interesting to read up on an old me. So, here I am again. I'm not going to bombard this first post with everything that has happened. That would take too long and time is always lacking. Yes, this has always been true for me for many years but now....I have a baby. I have a baby. What a life altering experience this has been. When I think about everything that has happened I get this rush of so many emotions in my heart. Excitement. Joy. Fear. Anticipation. Love. So much love you think your heart might explode. Having a child and the complications that can go with it doesn't start nor stop on your delivery date. And by complications, I don't just mean physically. I mean emotionally as well. It's tests you in ways you never thought possible. Pregnancy hormones are no joke :) I know its not just the hormones. I know it has to be the shock of being a new parent. That moment it really sinks in that your life is changed forever and that this beautiful little being is yours to cherish and protect for the rest of your life. I am grateful. I have a beautiful little life going. I need to document this. :)

Break

Another one down! I just finished another session at brooks and I am feeling really good about that. 10 months until graduation. 10 months until graduation. 10 months until graduation. It can't come soon enough.

So, I am on break this week from school. My plans are to conquer the gym. I am going to tear. it. up. Summer is just around the corner and I really really want to get over my phobia over wearing shorts. The only remedy is to tone up. I'm gonna run like Forest Gump!

I'm going to be turning 27 in August and to be be honest, it kind of freaks me out. I'm almost 30? How did that happen? I revealed my age to one of my classmates last week and he looked at me in shock. He told me that he thought I didn't look much older than 21. That made me happy. Still, sometimes I analyze my face and notice things that just weren't there before. Freckles on my nose. Wrinkles on my chin. The horror! Anti wrinkle cream is now part of my daily routine. Maybe I can preserve myself like Demi Moore? She looks amazing



Ummm, she is 47! Damn.

Soccer shots

You know what I love about photography? Well, there are many things I love about it. I love how it captures a moment in time. I know that when I look at old photographs I recall who I was at that point. I remember the feeling of that day. I remember the smells. I remember the interaction I had with people on that day. Pictures that you perhaps just glanced over when first captured can take on a new light throughout your life.

I took some shots of the soccer team that Dan, my boyfriend's brother, coaches. I'm not really an sports action shooter, but I gotta say that I loved shooting them. I hope one day these girls look back on these pictures with fondness and realize that this is when the world was wide open to them.

Self Promo

So, the newest school assignment calls for two photographs that speak to your style and vision. Subject matter was open, but it just had to be something that interests you. Basically you had to photograph your passion.

Some students at my school know EXACTLY what they want to photograph. Some are completely engrossed in fashion or food photography. As of late, I am having a photography identity crisis. I don't know what sort of commercial photography I love to shoot. Anything that pays the bills?

So, for this assignment I took the fine art approach. Maybe I found my answer. Here are the two I submitted

Moving on..

Patrick and I moved to a new place this weekend. We are very happy with the new place mostly because it doesn't feel like we are living in a shoebox anymore. The old place was much to tiny. We even have a patio.

I think I'm becoming an old lady, and enjoying it thoroughly. I planted some plants and spread some Morning Glory seeds along the fence in our patio. I'm excited to see if life will sprout. It was therapy for my heart and soul. Finding balance is always a chore for me, and I think that gardening is a good start. I am always needing to remind myself to take a moment to just be instead of freaking out about what I need to accomplish and the lack of time to do it.

My abuelita has been on my mind everyday, all day lately. I make homemade flour tortillas to feel closer to her. They are pretty close to tasting just like hers. I even planted some spinach today. I'll keep you posted on it's progress...

Inspiration needed

I seriously need to update my website. I seriously need to start shooting more. I need to find more time. Time. Time. Time. Where art thou?

On another note, I just finished my first and hopefully only semester at Santa Barbara City College. I have mixed feelings about this experience. I enjoyed being on a campus that had the full spectrum of what you would experience from college. Huge library. A sprawling campus that overlooks the ocean. A wide variety of classes to fulfill your every interest such as: green building, culinary arts, hospitality, a strong marketing program, a diverse art department, a hospitality program, a mini Brooks photography program ect. The possibilities on this campus are endless, and I appreciate that. However, I have become quite accustomed to our session system at Brooks Institute. You're in and out in 7 weeks. It's over before you realize just what hit you and the sleep deprivation has it's rewards much more quickly. SBCC works like most other community colleges on the semester schedule. It nearly killed me. I give many props to the people who attempt this on a regular basis. My attention span was tested. Yet, I prevailed.

I look forward to returning to Brooks with two additional classes under my belt. For 2011 I will present my game face. I am determined to transfer into graduate status by the end of the year. When that moment arrives, I can only imagine that I would feel as if a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders.

Sometimes I have moments of doubt. I question myself. I question my priorities and my motives. As far as my degree is concerned, many would argue that you don't need a B.A in Professional Photography to be a noteworthy photographer. I would argue this too. Sometimes I do. On occasion I ask myself why I take on what I do and if it's even possible. I ask myself why I need this degree to go out and attempt to conquer the world?

If it came to that point where I knew without a doubt that I would not be able to do what I need to do to finish this godforsaken expensive school that I love and found refuge and passion in, I would throw in the towel and give thanks for the challenging run. At this moment, I feel that if I stay focused this degree is within my reach.

And my reasons for needing this degree? If I'm honest with myself, I know that this is one of the most important things to accomplish in my life. I have dreamed about going to college to get a degree since I was a little girl. My teachers were always telling me that I had talent and potential and after awhile I started believing them and believing that I would do great things. For awhile, I lost that in me. I lost the desire to do great things and I mostly felt lost. The older I get, the more I try to grasp on to my childhood aspirations. Since I have been dreaming about that degree for much of my life, I know it's something that I need to do for me.

So, here is to the final stretch. I will cherish these last classes at Brooks. I have a feeling that someday I will look back to this time in my life os one of the best.

It's going to take a whole lot of positive thinking.

I really need to write more on this blog so that I don't bombard one post.



Isn't this image beautiful? Not mine. Such possibilities....©Tom Chambers

Strange dreams

This website has been haunting my dreams. I take naps during the day since I can't really commit to 6 hours of sleep at a time. All day I've been dreaming about client websites. I'm excited to add this into my business. Now each client will have a personal website page to go to to view their images and share it with their family and friends. This will be a free gift to all of my clients. The wheels are in motion, my friends.

The graveyard shift

I'm at Hotel Santa Barbara and taking full advantage of a big pot of coffee. Norah jones mix on Pandora is greeting my ears. I've been catching up on my internet musings for the last hour. Facebook. Blogs. Craigslist. Twitter. Email. As much as I sometimes complain about working the graveyard shift, I am very grateful for it. It's allows for an open schedule during the day and time to catch up on things during my work schedule. Essentially, I am paid to babysit the hotel while I complete my homework and make plans to take over the world.

I can't complain. Working the graveyard shift has allowed me to stay in Santa Barbara while continuing to pursue my education. And, I don't think I am that much of a zombie. anymore.

Halloween is coming up soon. I hate wearing costumes.

On gloomy days I always seem to be drawn to Norah Jones. I love her.

Getting adjusted

This week was a busy week. The start of my new schedule. I am relying more and more on coffee. Coffee is my dear friend. Patrick too. Here is what my schedule looks like:

7am- Getting off of work. Sleepy. Go straight to bed.

9am- Wake up. Jump in shower and dress. Give myself a pep talk. Chug coffee.

10am- Internship at art gallery. Happiness. Progress

1pm- Leave gallery. Go home for lunch. Exercise for 1 hour

2-4pm- A nice nap. Bliss

5-7pm- Coffee. School. Clase de español.

7-8pm- Dinner

8-10pm Nap. Bliss.

11-7am Coffee. Work :(


Yep. That's pretty much how its going. This schedule is Monday-Thursday. I still have the gallery on Fridays, but I don't have to worry about school or work so that makes me happy. This will be date night since I will be shooting weddings some Saturdays.

On a very happy note, I was accepted into the Santa Barbara Artwalk. This means that I will be able to sell my photography every Sunday where all the Arts and Crafts artists line up along the beach to sell work. My work had to be reviewed by 10 people on an artist panel and they had to vote to approve my spot in the show. They enthusiastically voted yes and told me that my work is beautiful. That was good for my spirit.

Now I am just working on getting my display booth in order. Matte boards. Plastic Bags. Cash register. Paper. Receipts. New work. Prices. Print sizes. Revenue goals. Much to do, but very excited to be doing it. I am hoping this will fund my way back to school and also, inspire me to shoot more for the sake of my art.

Even with my busy schedule, it is easier to stay positive about it because I am working towards all of my goals. I am a firm believer that people can accomplish anything as long as you stay positive, focused, and determined. Remind yourself what you want out of life and the decisions you make and the schedules you take on become easier to accommodate with those things in mind.

Life is good.

I'll count my blessings

Why is it when things are good, they are really good? Two weeks ago I was on a part time work prowl and interviewing for jobs that really do not interest me and would not help me accomplish my goals. Miserable time. Macys? State farm? Acai Bowl? I'm sure I'm missing a couple. Im glad that:

a) they didn't want me
b) I didn't follow through even though I felt desperate for second job
c) I'm addicted to craigslist

In this week I was able to land part time work with a wedding photography company and also landed a long term paid internship with a fine art photography gallery. I am so excited for both and feel very lucky to have been chosen. Over 100 people applied for the internship for the art galley and myself and one other person were chosen. I am very excited for it because I'll be surrounded by inspiring images and learn how to run a gallery.

Life is good. I am going to be a busy girl but I feel fortunate to have these opportunities.

Isnt she adorable? Well, I adore her.

....

Once upon a time I wanted to be a writer. I used to write poetry on a daily basis. I was just thinking about that time in my life and wanted to delve into that thought I guess. I remember I used to find my words easily and I gained some satisfaction from creating this little world of mine with words. Finding a way to intertwine thoughts of life into one piece of work. I think thats why I appreciate music so much and I still sometimes envy their ability to express thoughts and experiences and stories so eloquently. I don't doubt my chosen path, but I still get the writing itch and it just doesn't come as easily anymore. And most of the time my mind is on work, school, chores or my stress and I don't feel all too poetic about that. Maybe I should.

Sometimes things that I watch trigger my need to write. I was watching democracynow.org the other day and there was a guest that really moved me. She is an activist for the women victims in the Congo. For those unaware, there is much unrest and brutality in that region. Rapes are commonplace and little is being done about it. Soldiers will often rape the women in entire villages and in public. Some of them children as young as 5. These soldiers have been told that in order to win the war that they are fighting, they must have sex with women to make the "magic potion" work. Since they don't really have access to women on a regular basis, well, they must rape. They are doing it for the good of their country. Unbelievable. It really saddens me and also makes me question this world we live in.

This women who was speaking gave a heartfelt plea for people to become more aware of these women who are still enduring such atrocities. She spoke of how she went to the white house to speak with Michelle Obama to help her with having a voice to support these women and the response given was that this was not the First Lady's forte and that she was focusing on obesity. This women who was speaking is also a cancer patient and maintains that these women in the Congo are keeping her alive because she feels that she must stay alive for them. She says this with tears in her eyes.

It just moved me. The compassion. That true connection with other people who you perhaps would never relate to but do because they are human and living in this world too. That realization that things could be much worse than how you have it and that you have the ability to change someone's life in a positive way.

Suffice to say, it was a moving plea. And it reminded me that one of the most important things in life is to be good to those around you. Anyhoo, after watching it I was inspired to write and so I did. This is a lengthly post. :)


The atrocities are great

And seemingly never ending

and the people are waiting

waiting for us to take notice

and take on inadequacies with raised fists

and make noise with protest

and cry out in the name if unrest

and stomp our feet with anger

and push forward despite danger

and demand justice

and shout ‘we will not accept this!’

and create real change

not just that slogan that seems so far out of range

and the people, they need our tears too

and open hearts to be witness

to all that they have been through

and the people, no matter the color

No matter the religion

No matter sexual orientation

No matter the borders

Just want to be done with this rat race

The people just want to be free

To live, love, and be

Graduation

Today was the day. Graduation day for the class I started with. Dwindled down to about 1/4 of what we started off with. I think I was way too tired from the graveyard shift to be there. I wanted to cry for every. little. thing. I am very proud of all of them, and I hope they are all proud of themselves. So much hard work. So much soul poured into photos. So many details and deadlines and fuck ups and triumphs.

Nat and Dom, I will miss you dearly. You have been my family. My rocks. My counselors. My home from home. Too weird to think of Santa Barbara without you. Thank you for your friendship. You have a piece of my heart forever.

I am very grateful to have Pat here with me. Now he alone will have to encounter my meltdowns. I think he will get more photography talk too. Today I tried to explain what a HDR photo was while somewhat intoxicated

"Babe, it means high dynamic range. Its when there is a large range of exposures. The highlights are high while the shadows are deep. Alot of contrast."

I think I have to get better at explaining cuz even while saying it I was thinking, what the fuck am I saying?

I just cant help but feel sad today. I'll get over it, but it will be an unwanted adjustment. In an ideal world I would have graduated today too. But, this isn't my ideal world, so I'll just have to keep truckin. I'll find a way to graduation too.

Finished!

I have been missing in action! I am officially done with my ADV311 class. I am soooo glad its over. It was fast paced, but worth it. I started the city college in Santa Barbara this week and it nearly killed me since its finals week at brooks. I was a mess. A tired mess. But I survived and now I am going staight into work mode with my new school. This is only temporary. Since I pay for my tution out of pocket and it isnt exactly inexpensive, I am taking some time off to save up for the final stretch of school. While I'm on break I am going to be taking a couple of classes at the city college that will transfer over to brooks and take care of my general education requirements. That makes me feel better. I HATE taking breaks from school only because I feel unproductive and it makes me feel like graduation is that much further away.

Today our teacher, Paul Myer, gave a lecture on the importance of photography internships. In the back of my mind I am thinking, when am I gonna find the fucking time? I have to figure something out.

I turned 26 recently. Im getting old. But I am pretty happy with where my life is at. I am more focused than I have ever been. I've found a career path that I love. And I have a boyfriend that I love more than I can describe. Life is good.

Fiesta!

It's fiesta time here in Santa Barbara. I remember when I first moved here my roommate, Jennifer and I stumbled across it by accident. Santa Barbara turns into a big party with spanish food, music, art, and drinks ;) We had way too much fun. I pretended that I spoke spanish the entire night! That was over 3 years ago. This year, its all work. I'm working at Hotel Santa Barbara right now. It's nearly 2am and I can still hear the Mariachi band playing outside and people hooting and howling. Is it weird that I have no desire to be part of it? Im getting old. Old and boring.

I had a job interview today. I think it's gonna work out. I'll be working for a developing company here in Santa Barbara as their main photographer. It will be part time, but it sounds like I will get to do many different types of photography. Events. Products. People. We shall see how this goes.

3 weeks left of this session. How did the time go so bloody fast? That much closer to graduation.

A little breather..

Today was a good day. Just me and my love and the beach. This week has been a strenuous one. I've been stressing more than I should be but I feel it is unavoidable. I wish I had the capacity to let go and not be such a control freak because, well I can't control everything. I just need to learn to ride things out and leave it up to time. I know this all sounds vague, but it applies to many things on my mind right now. School. Work. Finances. Family. Photography. Health. I had a little breakdown on thursday after my 6 hour class. I dont know why critique made me so damn anxious or why it made me feel so miserable. It all came tumbling down when I went to Natalie and Dominic's house after the class ended and we started talking about the day and the tears just came pouring down.
I felt silly and couldn't quite place why I was crying. Do you ever have those moments? Maybe not. This is the crybaby in me, I think. I just felt frustrated and inadequate. Nothing I do is right. I don't have enough time. I don't have enough money. I don't have enough creativity. I don't have enough confidence. At least, this is how I felt on this day in particular. I am very grateful for Natalie and Dominic. They let me cry. They tried to talk me through it. The helped me tremendously this weekend with my shoots. They will always have a special place in my heart as my adopted family while in school. I am so sad they graduate at the end of August and will be leaving me. I will cherish the time that we spent together.
I worked like a madman to get most of my work done early so that I could spend at least one day of leisure with my love. We set up a canopy I recently bought for photography purposes on the beach and it was like our own beachfront room. We made a picnic. Sipped on some wine. Took a couple shots ;) I passed out for three hours in a deep and sound sleep. It was a much needed day. It was a happy day spent with the person who makes me so happy. My best friend. He leaves to Arizona again tomorrow, and tomorrow I go back to the hustle and probably wont get to sleep after the graveyard shift, but I feel that today helped to prepare me for that. Here is one of the pics from this weekends shoot.

Portrait of a loved one

My first assignment was to take a portrait of a loved one without them being present in the photo. It could be someone alive or of someone who has already passed on.

I decided almost right away that I would take a picture of my grandmother. It's one of my deepest regrets that I had not discovered photography sooner so that I could have captured her beauty. So, this was a perfect opportunity to make up for it, in some way. My abuelita. I miss her so much. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I wish with all my heart that I could still talk to her. I wish that I could give her the biggest hug and kiss her cool cheeks. She was a center of my life, and still is. So, here is the closest I get to how I see her...